Secret 39

I have a very hard time trusting people.

Secret 38

I question my motives for doing things over and over again, but half the time, I end up not doing anything.

Secret 37

Sometimes I wonder if my emotions are really mine, or if they're just imitations of what other people feel.

Secret 36

I play Devil's Advocate to make you think, not to make you mad.

Secret 35

I'm not actually shy, just introverted. I'm not afraid of crowds, I just don't like them.

Secret 34

I ignore you so you won't know how much you can hurt me.

Secret 33

I'm a little concerned that I'm a codependent.

Secret 32

I wonder if there's anything remotely likable about me.

Secret 31

Sometimes I think you tolerate my presence so you can laugh at me.

Secret 30

I'm terrified of being diagnosed with a mental disease.

Vultures

A week ago, my grandfather died.  He was a classic Southern gentleman, though like us all, he had his faults.

I only met him once, but I liked him a lot; I felt a kinship with the gruff man I first saw in California.I can recognize his humor, his mannerisms, even some of his expressions in Dad and me. And now he's gone.

Grandad was an officer in the United States Armed Forces. He was involved in the NIKE missile defense systems during the Cold War - he had fantastic aim. But he ended up alienating many people during his career.

Now that he's died, people who avoided him for years have come out of the woodwork. Not out of sentimentality. Not because they liked him, or he liked them. No. Because he had stuff.

Who gets his truck? Where's the will? What about that bank account? The trailer? His guns? Whose the inheritor?

I get that they're family. I get that his daughter should be provided for. I even get that his wife is still legally married to him, and thus should benefit from his death.

But it's disgraceful, dishonorable, wrong. Bickering over the effects of a dead man the way vultures might fight over a piece of carrion is shameful, vulgar, contemptible. Like magpies jousting over a piece of dirty aluminum foil.

To see my relatives care more about the physical objects Grandad left behind rather than the man himself makes me cringe. I loved my Grandad, and to see him diminished to the value of a trailer full of stuff breaks my heart. And I hate it.

B

Secret 29

It means more than you'll ever know to be included in a group.

Secret 28

I feel stupid almost every time I talk.

Secret 27

I'm afraid my insecurities will frighten away potential friends.

(insecurity alert)

Secret 26

You don't have to call me names; I do that alright by myself.

Secret 24

Music keeps me somewhat sane.

Secret 25

I use my art to differentiate myself from others.

Secret 23

I wish people respected me.

Secret 22

I don't want to grow up because adults seem to have lost all their creativity. They've become brittle, unchangeable, not malleable, and stagnant.

Secret 21

I'm sarcastic as a defense mechanism, not because I find it funny.

Secret 20

I'm cynical because if I can believe other people aren't what they seem to be, I don't feel so bad.

Secret 19

When you tell me I'm pretty, I don't believe you.

Secret 18

I make eye-contact to see if you're lying to me.

Secret 17

I prefer misinterpreted inaction to misinterpreted action.

Secret 16

Even when I tell you a "secret", I'm not telling you everything.

Secret 15

I pretend I don't care, but I do.

Secret 14

I like listening to you.

Secret 13

I will never say something mean in earnest.

Secret 12

I don't talk to you as often as I want because I don't want to frighten you away.

Secret 11

I'm scared no one would be friends with me if I let my guard down.

Secret 10

Sometimes, the only lights at the end of the tunnel I can see are oncoming trains.