12 December 2009

Problematic's Owners Guide and Maintenance Manual

Congratulations on your purchase of the SBM model from SBM&FRIENDS. There is a lifetime guarantee on all parts included, some restrictions apply.
NOTE: The following instructions are for trouble-shooting purposes only. Should anything happen not specified or hinted at in the owner’s manual, contact manufacturers IMMEDIATELY.

MANUFACTURERS: Rainy City Productions, WA



TYPE: Human (female)

PRODUCTION RUN: 9 September, 19XX


WEIGHT: Unspecified

INSTALLATION: Due to the fragile nature of SBM, a special package tracking system is used to update you to their arrival date. Two days before, carefully inspect your house. If there are items you wouldn’t wish a psychotic sociopath to get a hold of, be sure to store them away, as SBM can and will use them.

IDENTIFYING: When the package arrives, do not be alarmed if the contents have settled. This is to be expected. To help with introductions, we have provided a positive identification system.

SBM, upon arrival, will probably say “I’m not a sociopath. I’m an artist!”

If SBM is in her SYLVIA setting, she will say “I can’t trust you to do anything alright.”

NOTE: If SBM is in the SYLVIA setting upon arrival, do not upset her.

ACCESSORIES: All your SBM&FRIENDS come with general accessories, including but not limited to make up, hydrochloric acids, and notebooks. Specific models have special accessories.

1.    Large violin case and violin
2.    Messenger bag and writing materials
3.    Converse
4.    iPod
5.    Black cat (BUTTERCUP)
6.    Sabre
7.    Fencing boots
8.    3D Goggles

STORAGE: SBM will be fine with any accommodations you may find for her. Be certain it is not an area you mind changes to. Whatever requests she makes in the first three days are guaranteed harmless. After a few days of intense activity, SBM will have transformed her quarters into an artist’s niche. Do not disturb her during this process. When she is done, the room will be hazardous to outsiders over extended periods of time, so it is best just to leave well enough alone. If you should happen to glance inside, don’t be disturbed by the dark furnishings – it is simply SBM’s way of catalyzing her creative processes.

USER PREFERENCES: Your SBM comes with 4 interactive settings.

HOSTILE –  SBM will be caustically sarcastic and icy. Tirades and monologues or silence accompany. SBM will revert to HOSTILE when disturbed from an ARTSY setting.
FRIENDLY – Will smile and joke, depending on familiarity with near-by models.
MELANCHOLY – Standard setting. Expect wit, sarcasm, and disturbing and/or creepy aphorisms in this mode. SBM will produce most of her artwork in this setting.
PYSCHOTIC - SBM’s backup setting. Wild hilarity at nothing in particular is to be expected.

NOTE: SBM will revert to PYSCHOTIC if left in FRIENDLY for too long.
              SYLVIA – Rainy City Productions is not quite certain what this function does. It shows up in all SBM models, and seems to be accompanied by skinny jeans, haute couture, and an alternate ego.

UNIQUE SETTINGS: Due to the nature of her relationship with other SBM&FRIENDS models, SBM can be triggered into unique settings.

              ARSTY –   SBM can be forced into this mood by placing her in groups with KK, SPECS, and ASH models from the &FRIENDS expansion pack. SBM will oscillate between frantically talking, thinking, and creating. If no KK, SPECS, or ASH models are present, setting her iPod to the ‘soft’ playlist works with less effective results.
GREGARIOUS –  Any expansion model will put SBM into this setting. Tends to talk and smile more often.
AWESOME – SPECS, NTOPY, and THURS models or other models with similar dispositions will make SBM revert to this setting. Accompanied by much dancing to music and wishing for adventures.
                            WARNING:  Under no circumstances give SBM a weapon when she is on this setting. She is extremely dangerous. Rainy City Productions is not responsible for any damage done by such action.
TIRED – Any &FRIENDS model combination will change SBM is she stays around them for long, especially the QWIP model. This setting is particularly entertaining if SBM is TIRED in the midst of FRIENDLY members of the expansion pack.
DEPRESSED – If SBM stays in HOSTILE for long amounts of time, she will revert to DEPRESSED, or if the &FRIENDS expansion pack is suddenly removed. Owners should try to change her setting as quickly as possible.
                            NOTE: SBM will stay in this setting for long amounts of time after an ARTSY setting. This is normal, but try not to encourage her.

ROMANTIC – This setting has only been triggered once, on accident, and any attempts on the owner’s part to trigger ROMANTIC will be strongly denounced. Rainy City Productions is not responsible for any injury SBM may inflict on you after trying to change her setting to this.

OPERATING PROCEDURE: Your SBM has been programmed to fulfill many roles around the house. The roles she excels in are:


As you are soon to discover, SBM has an artistic streak. Give her the proper funds and equipment and she will transform your house into a haven. As long as you do nothing to seriously upset her, the result will be quite nice.


SBM is quite fond of sports such as soccer, track, and dancing. If you need an extra player, or are short a partner, she will be happy to help, provided no models decide to tackle her.


SBM has been certified through organizations as a babysitter complete with CPR and FIRST AID training. However, her odd sense of humor may make a more appropriate choice for older children. Rainy City Productions is not responsible for the counseling bills of any child left in her care.


While SBM is a very musical person, she views her music as deeply personal. She makes a great entertainer when she feels like it, but unless SBM volunteers to do so, any effort to make her play will be foiled.



SBM is perfectly capable of cleaning herself, though she may disappear for an hour at a time and emerge from her room wearing a completely different style. Fear not. This is only part of her continuing quest to define her style.

Once every few months, you will need to take SBM to a hair stylist, as she cannot drive.


FOOD – SBM is partially vegetarian, so be certain to provide her with plenty of fruits and proteins. She will need to take supplements in the form of vitamins and specialty foods.

              NOTE: SBM is particularly fond of Nutella.

SBM is made of 60% water, so allow healthy consumption of water and juices. Liberal amounts of caffeine are allowed when SBM needs an energy lift.

              WARNING: Whatever she may say, SBM should not have more than three (3) shots of espresso in one day. If you thought she was bad before the espresso, you have no desire to see her afterwards.


Q. Where can I purchase the &FRIENDS extension pack?

A. Go to http://problematicraining.blogspot.com to find the expansion pack to the SBM model. It will be published shortly.

Q.  My SBM is shaking all over. Is this a problem?

A. The SBM model likely has consumed too much caffeine on an empty stomach. Either that, or she is in a hilarious mood. She’ll get over it eventually.

Q. My SBM seems to be loosing skin a lot. What’s going on?

A. SBM was manufactured with unique skin. Don’t worry, just supply her with lots of Cortizone cream.

Q. My SBM is awkward and uncoordinated. What am I doing wrong?

A. You SBM is manufactured to be awkward and uncoordinated. No harm is done unless she breaks a bone.

Q. My SBM keeps hurting her feet. What’s up?

A. That is a selling point of the SBM model.


PROBLEM: You SBM is refusing to come out of her room.

SOLUTION: Stock many action/adventure, sci-fi and fantasy books, movies, and comics outside her room. She’ll snap out of it eventually.

PROBLEM: SBM keeps taking walks in the rain. She frequently returns shivering and wet, then catches a cold.

SOLUTION: Point SBM in the direction of the nearest park with a shelter. She’ll sit and journal for the hour she’s gone, and come back considerably drier.

PROBLEM: SBM has been singing ‘Holding Out For a Hero’ for days and will not stop.

SOLUTION: SBM is suffering from wanderlust. Supply her with a credit card and she’ll find an adventure for herself. SBM will return in a few days.

PROBLEM: SBM is talking in gibberish.

SOLUTION: SBM is probably talking in techno-babble, music-babble, or Zulph. Purchase a model with similar linguistic skills and she’ll return to normal.

PROBLEM: SBM keeps wearing oddly captioned t-shirts and converse.

SOLUTION: There is no solution. This quirk is part of what makes SBM a collectable model.


Due to SBM’s fickle nature, Rainy City Productions only offers a three year guarantee. Afterwards, SBM is likely to disappear, leaving only with the promise of “You’ll hear about me soon enough.”

NOTE: On the occasion that SBM does not disappear entirely, don’t try to contact her. SBM will contact you on her own time.


When SBM returns, she’ll have changed for the better, but SBM will still be the same model at heart. You will receive many years of friendship from this good investment.

1 comment:

  1. so teenagers do come with a manual.. I wonder what mine looks like. or did I burn it?